The first is autism, which comes is a variety of forms. In my case I get overwhelmed by events and find that I can’t really handle everything that’s going on. In short, I get scared. So I back away, looking for a place to hide. That leads to my isolating myself and that in turn leads to my being estranged from others. That makes it hard for people to get to know you and understand.
The other is apnea, which also comes in variety of forms. Most of you have heard of sleep apnea, where usually there’s an obscruction in the throat which screws with inhalation. But there is also central apnea, where essentially you forget to breathe. Having incompletely developed brains premature infants have this. It can also be caused by a stroke or injury. In my case it would appear that that part of my brain just didn’t grow up.
In my case I stop involuntarily breathing for up to 20 seconds. Voluntary breathing is no problem, but I have to remember to breathe. That tends to interfere with sleeping, and you need sleep in order to repair the wear and tear life puts on you while your awake.
The end result of all this is that I really don’t have the energy. To get that energy I at least need a cpap, and may need something more hard core. Though I may need supplemental oxygen.
And if you happen do know me, through STAR San Diego or another group, this helps explain why I haven’t been all that friendly. It comes down to; you scare me and I haven’t had the energy.
Where the apnea is concerned getting on a ventilator and maybe supplemental oxygen will help. But first I need to get a sleep study done to find out what kind of ventilator would work best, and if I need supplemental oxygen.
Where the autism is concerned, therapy with people who know what they’re doing would help, and acceptance and understanding from the people who know me.
And to those I say, just because I’m not dashing about being the life of the party doesn’t not mean I’m not having fun. Sometimes its a sign I don’t know what to do, other times it just means I really don’t have the energy. In the long run I am enjoying myself, but my enjoyment is quiet.
Come January things should be changing. The important change is that I should have more energy to do things. Which means being able to care for myself better and to actually get productive. And with the energy getting out and learning how to handle myself better in public. Which means being friendlier with the people I know. Being a better neighbor in short.
Which means I should be able to handle waiting for a better apartment, but that waiting still means I could use some help. You have some to spare drop it in the tip jar, and think of it as an investment on what I do. And I will get back to Mythus and my other projects.
My your post meal snooze today be refreshing, and may your loved ones let you know should you snore—a sign of obstructive apnea you know.
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